Sunday, May 29

Where does my help come from?

I had a little meltdown today. Well, to be honest it was a big one. Normally, I would keep this to myself...maybe journal about it...but tonight, I am blogging.  I get tired of reading about everyone's seemingly put together happy lives in bloggyworld.  So here's my contribution to fight against that:

This is me being as real as it gets:

It all started building up when I found out that the job I applied for didn't even give me an interview. Plus I have been sick all week. Life was just plain stinky this week. I really thought that I was very qualified for this job, and would LOVE that job, and it would get me back in my hometown, and I would be able to afford a place, and things would all work out.  I just saw my dream crumbling each day as I didn't get a phone call. Today, I called the interview, not considering me. o.u.c.h.

Today, I just couldn't stop crying. I kept going over things in my head...over and over I would hear the same arguments..."I have a right to have my own house with my own things, I have a right to live back in my hometown, I have a right to a good marriage"...then the other side would come in and fight back that "I do not have any rights, I am a slave to God and that all things I do have are a gift, not a right. The only right I have is to death, and he graciously gave me the gift of life instead, praise God!!! "   But then the other side comes back and says..."yeah, yeah, yeah...I know I know, but I still feel like I want those things, and Mark has ruined my hopes and dreams, he has crushed my spirit. He has robbed my of things I should be enjoying.   Other Christians enjoy these things, even though they aren't rights...why can't I ask for them?"  Then the other side... "Let go of your anger and bitterness, embrace forgiveness.  just think of all you have! Even if you did have a wonderful life, house, etc...look at what happened to people in Joplin...practically a whole town destroyed by a natural disaster. They don't have their homes anymore.  They don't even have their stuff.  You can't just demand that having a house is something that you have a right won't make you happier. God is in control, and he guarantees no happiness in shouldn't be seeking your joy in a house, or perfect life." Then the other side kicks in all guilty and conflicted, "I know, I know, but I just don't know what to do with these feelings. I want a home of my own for me and the kids. Is that so wrong? And what do I do with my life now? How can I support myself with no job nor proper education? Why has Mark put me in this predicament!" {insert sobbing here} God help me, Lord help me, show me the way Lord!  Give me a peace and comfort me Lord!

All the while, in my mind I am recounting how Mark has wronged me again...hurt me and wounded me, offered no apology.  However,  I know I am yet again expected to deny myself, pick up my cross, and follow Jesus. He says to forgive, so I do. He says to pray for those who persecute I do. I pray for God to bless Mark. And what do I get in return, more hurt from Mark. This road is getting harder and harder, not easier. {insert more tears} Lord, help me do this your way. Help me turn the other cheek. Teach me how I am to withstand this and persevere, show me how to be an example for my kids. Keep giving me Your hope Lord to make it through.  Show me the way, Lord!

Meanwhile...I am just so lost, just trying to figure out what to do with my life now.   So many questions, and the only two things I am certain of are: 1-I really thought I would be back into my life in my hometown by now with a job.  2-I don't want to be living with my parents having to support me and the kids!  But honestly, I am not even sure I want to go back there either now.  That may just be me trying to run away from problems.  Who knows.  It's just in my head, so I am being honest.  I have fun doing My Bella Sweets, but is that what I really want to do with the rest of my life...not to mention will it even support me and the kids for life? (I am pretty sure the answer is no!)  Do I really want to get through with my life, and stand before God who will ask what I did with what He gave me...and I will say...well, I made cupcakes and a few paintings!    No!    My heart yearns for more! I want to make a difference in people's lives!!! I have always had this desire. It began in youth ministry, when I started working with kids and teens. Teaching Bible studies or just hanging out with them. I enjoyed it sooo much! I have a passion to be in that ministry, I felt like I had found my calling when I was working as a youth director.  I also want to foster parent, adopt, I wanted to devote my life to serving others.  I was blown away this week to learn that my nieces have been taken away from their mother, and I can't do anything for them.  I have no home, no money for them.  It just made me mad!  Again this little voice starts to creep in and whisper to me..."Mark has ruined things for you, look what you have given up for him"...but, I am today...

I need to take responsibility for me now. There is no going back, no changing things.  Plus, I know deep down, even with the little crazy voices in my head, that what men mean for evil, God means for good.  Nothing has happened to me that He has not ordained!  I know I tell myself to snap out of this pity party!!!  My life could be much worse!!!  No more blaming or excuses. but what do I do now? Where or even how do I start? If I am really honest with myself, I want to do ministry/missionary work...dedicate my life to very needy people...Children, Teens, Parents. This is my passion. Where? not sure. How? No clue.  I would imagine having two children makes it even harder to accomplish this.   I cried out to God today for help, just for Him to speak clearly to answer me! I want to serve you!!! How can I do this, what is my calling? Open a door for me, give me courage to walk! Provide ways for me and the kids to go! Show me the way Lord!

And all that came were more tears.  I was miserable.

I felt like I was sufficating and I just needed fresh air.  Being sick all week was making me go crazy!  So with no food in the fridge, and dinner time approaching, I hop in the car and drive into town. There are like 5 options in this small town...mostly unhealthy and I was sick of the lack of choices.  More depression comes over me as I wish I were back in my hometown, and I just cry.   I drive past each one, not wanting any of the choices.  I turn through town again...nothing.  I decide that since I am not really hungry anyway, I will just drive.  At first I take a few turns and end up in the "projects"  I immediately am thankful and greatful for what I do have.  Thank you God for all the many gifts I have been given.  I take a few other turns and back to main street I come.  I pass by the pharmacy and the childcare place, and think that I should just apply there, just get a job here and save up my money.  But then there is the problem of when I get more money, I will want to quit and move back to my hometown, and then I am jobless I just get more frustrated at all the craziness and start crying now I have taken a few strange turns, and have decided to go exploring.  I ended up on a beautiful long road, who knows where, that led out to the was lined with pecan trees and it began to have rises and dips in the road.  I remembered how much I love driving and taking in the scenery.  Then I started thinking about how it reminded me of Va.'s beauty, and how I love being in new places.  I began to think of all my favorite things,  that my absolute dream would be to have mountains with a beach, and that is in California, which led me to begin thinking that maybe I should just travel this summer.  Take the kids, and my money saved up for moving and just travel the US and end up at my sisters's house in California.  I could make a learning educational thing out of the trip.  Yes...I think to myself, that would be great!  That would make me happy!  Who knows, maybe I will even decide to live there!  But then I think, what about Mark?  It wouldn't be fair, also he would be angry if I just disappear with the kids for 2 months not to mention possibly more!  I also am reminded about Farmer's Market commitments for my business, upcoming visit by my sister's family and camp and music workshop.  Then I become bummed again.  Great.  there goes another great plan....more crying.  God, what am I suppose to do?  I wish you would just tell me!  Make the way clear for me!!!

By now I figure, if I don't turn around soon, I might end up in another state or get lost, so I turn around...head back the way I came...back to main street, decide to go to the grocery store.  By now I have recomposed myself enough and I am calm again.  Sad, but not crying.  I walk the aisles and pick out some stuff.  I get back home, and there are my parents home early from their trip, with...dinner.  Whatever.  It is that kinda week.  I needed the drive anyway.  I put my groceries away for another day and sit down emotionally exhausted and stare blankly at the TV, which wasn't fulfilling.  I decide to head to my room and end up browsing the internet, and then I remember that Mark had downloaded tons of  Little House on the Prairie episodes on the computer long ago, but I had never watched them.  Yay!  That will definitely make me happy, I LOVE LHotP, but... that link was messed up, and nothing was there to watch, which just added to the theme of the day.  I felt like Debby Downer.  Sheesh...maybe I should just go straight to bed!  But something made my eyes wander to the right corner of my screen...and there it was, a Mark Driscoll Folder.  I need Your word God, speak to me Lord, show me the way.
So I browse over the topics, and there it was .... "The Rebel's Guide to Joy"  yes, that is what I need...a topic on joy.  So I clicked on it, and God spoke to me the whole way thru!  I recommend it highly!  It's actually a whole series on Phillipians, but I have only listened to the first message tonight.  It is exactly what I needed to hear.

So, I started the day off with a meltdown and end the night praising God for his help, his immediate answer to me.  It is a pure refreshment to know He cares enough about me to lead me to this sermon tonight, and to guide me back to the Word.  He has provided me a Rock to stand on in these quicksand times of mine...A shelter from the scorching sun.  A rest for a weary soul.  Thank you Lord for providing all I need!  I love you more each day!

Psalm 121...Where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD
HE made heaven and earth - The great Creator of the universe. He must, therefore, be able to protect me. The Creator of all can defend all.
He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber.
He will enable you to stand firm. You are safe in his protection.  He will be ever watchful and wakeful.  All creatures, as far as we know, sleep; God never sleeps. His eyes are upon us by day, and in the darkness of the night - the night literally; and also the night of calamity, woe, and sorrow.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.
Never slumbers, never ceases to be watchful. Man sleeps; a sentinel may slumber on his post, by inattention, by long-continued wakefulness, or by weariness; a pilot may slumber at the helm; even a mother may fall asleep by the side of the sick child; but God is never exhausted, is never weary, is never inattentive. He never closes his eyes on the condition of his people, on the needs of the world.
The LORD himself watches over you! The LORD stands beside you as your protective shade.  The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night.  The LORD keeps you from all harm and watches over your life.  The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil - This is an advance of the thought. The psalmist had in the previous verses specified some particular evils from which he says God would keep those who put their trust in him. He now makes the remark general, and says that God would not only preserve from these particular evils, but would keep those who trusted in him from all evil: he would be their Protector in all the perils of life.
The LORD will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.
 Through this life and for ever. This is the gracious assurance which is made to all who put their trust in God. At home and abroad; in the house, in the field, and by the way; on the land and on the ocean; in their native country and in climes remote; on earth, in the grave, and in the eternal world, they are always safe. No evil that will endanger their salvation can befal them; nothing can happen to them here but what God shall see to be conducive to their ultimate good; and in the heavenly world they shall be safe forever from every kind of evil, for in that world there will be no sin, and consequently no need of discipline to prepare them for the future.

I know that God has a plan for me, and I fall asleep tonight assured and comforted knowing that I am in His care and that He never slumbers!

1 comment:

April said...

FLY BACK WITH ME! After my trip is over FOR REAL! Brian will be gone all month when I get back, I WILL PAY!!!! Seriously please! I love you. Life sucks in this broken world sometimes. I think about Joseph a lot, what pain and torment he went through at the hands of family, then the unfairness of prison. The YEARS of being seemingly forsaken. Time, His time, has a way of redeeming the wrong. I love you.